Festive Fracas

kari

For heaven’s sake what a horde how come they’ve got nuffink else to do than hang around here what to get your mother she got that last year I don’t give a fuck.

Can’t believe you ain’t got a single relative who reads ‘kay that’s the book off the list don’t matter woulda cost a bomb anyway but what to get your dad a tie. Sod it he’ll get used to it fine let’s make it a scarf then he can wrap that around himself too it’s a bargain and comes with the gloves so it looks more than. You gotta be kidding a cookbook for your sister she doesn’t read either and anyways it’s a slimming book she needs before she goes full amoeba no I’m not an asshole but she shouldn’t be stuffing herself day and night okay everyone blames their thyroid but guzzles double cream with their bacon and half a birthday cake for a chaser coz it gives her an icky tummy now there’s a surprise.

Kid wants the new lego set but where the hell to get it when nowhere and I have no time either I heard they’ve got a few in Kőbánya but when and that’s an arm and a leg too and I’ll only end up treading on it coz he leaves it all over the place he can’t keep his room tidy just like his daddy with his stinky socks under the bed no I’m not having a go.

The mince stinks already why get it you can’t make stuffed cabbage with this I’ll get some later but need rice broken grain’s fine that’s cheaper how much they’ve got to be kidding everyone go to hell. No I won’t bake Christmas cake one off the shelf will do don’t give a damn what you like you don’t eat it anyway it always ends up in the bin no cake no Christmas.

Szaloncukor loose will do ‘kay it tastes like crap no problem at least your bro won’t hoover it all off the tree my brother never he’s never liked sweets remember and it wasn’t him who put all the empty wrappers back on the tree last year but your brother coz in your family it’s all a big neverending scoff fest nothing else, like ever ‘kay I’ll lay off your family.

Fish soup haha what do you think I am revolting to touch it and it stinks the place out for a whole week and no one likes it anyway fuck it I’ll get that one bowl you force down yourself no fish soup no Christmas.

Gotta get that tree no not that one it’s hideous not that one either it’s molting this one’s too big this one’s small not paying that. How the hell to get it home do we have the base from last year what do you mean it’s broken get a new one. Out of what money don’t care like a bull in a china shop you are what do you mean it was me when I chucked it off the balcony no we do need a tree no tree no Christmas.

Out of the kitchen coz I won’t be done in time where are you going give me a hand coz I won’t be done in time poppy seed cake is bitter and we forgot to get onions get the fish soup out of the freezer no don’t it’ll stink the place up fucking hell this gingerbread is like a bullet your mother will never get it right. Go get some bread we won’t have enough what do you mean this is all they had go get some double cream too this won’t be enough why didn’t you get two.

Haven’t even wrapped the presents fuck it plastic bags will do they’ll only throw it away anyway where’s the sparklers what do you mean we didn’t get any put the szaloncukor on the tree oh shit you’ve crushed the meringues tell him to hoover up coz your mother will go all itdoesntmatterdearwe’reusedtoitpop down get salt go get eggs too no it can’t be closed what we gonna do for three days.

Get the festive tablecloth out no it didn’t come out your father spilled red wine all over it he never knows when to stop not dissing your family. Five sets for eight people are you out of your mind then break the other set out spoon on the right fork on the left where’s the tree?  Fuck my life they’ll be here any minute fuck Christmas to hell and back the cabbage’s burnt the fish soup stinks the bread is stale I haven’t slept for two days to make sure we get it together and you can’t even.

Mom dad welcome Pistike come out of your room nan’s got you a pressie don’t care nan’s ‘tache tickles you gotta give her a kiss it won’t kill you to do it once a year okay twice. Put your fucking laptop down you what of course at Christmas we celebrate peace and love.

Written by: Erzsébet Forgács

Translated by: Judit Gábris

malac